Hard talk: How to have difficult conversations

MAS Member Dr Angela Lim is founder of the mental health and wellbeing platform Clearhead. She’s dedicating her career to making professional advice and support more accessible to those who need it. Here she shares some helpful thinking when it comes to a common problem.

In what feels like an increasingly polarised world, it can be hard to know how to reach across the political or social divide and have reasonable conversations with friends, whānau or colleagues with different views to us. So, is there a good approach to handling these difficult conversations in a way that doesn’t result in a row?

Dr Lim, it feels like having difficult conversations has got harder? Could that be true?

A big challenge that we face today is the impact of social media on our interactions. The connections we form online are much lower fidelity than in real life, and don’t require us to use those important interpersonal skills – like empathy and compromise – in the same way, so we start to lose them.

And while social media apps could be designed to foster meaningful connection, their business model does not incentivise that. Instead, it’s all about gaining your attention, which is done by presenting more and more extreme information, in order to generate emotional outrage. To avoid that we start self-selecting what we see, and then we wind up in a bubble where we no longer have to confront anyone who thinks differently to us.

What all of this means is that we need to become more intentional about practising these skills and having conversations with people that we disagree with.

So how do we start conversations on the right foot?

A key skill to use in these conversations is active listening. Instead of approaching the conversation like we’re going into battle, we need to go in seeking to understand where the other person is coming from. That doesn’t mean we have to agree, but we do need to listen and not try to preach or convert. This approach goes a long way to making people feel that they have been genuinely heard.

Once we’re listening carefully, we might find that we hear a gem around what they really care about. Maybe we even agree with them about a particular problem, we just disagree with how it should be solved. We don’t have to end the conversation with the sense that someone has won – it could be that nobody’s mind got changed, but we understood each other a little bit more so we feel more connected.

Often what you realise in these situations is that, with most people, we have more in common than we have differences. We’re all humans after all with the same needs. Ultimately, we all want safety, to feel that we are loved, and to feel that there is purpose and meaning in our lives. Almost all the thoughts and behaviours we have can be traced back to these very basic human needs.

Are there any other helpful tricks that we can practise day to day?

Practise engaging in small talk. People can be dismissive of small talk, but it actually builds trust in little ways over time. For example, if every time I see you, you check in with me about how my sick mother is, then when we have a conversation that’s difficult or controversial, I know you’re coming from a place where you care about me. You’ve already demonstrated that.

What should we do if it gets too much?

Naturally things can get heated in these conversations so it’s important to build self awareness about what triggers you. If someone says something and you have a very visceral physical reaction, you're feeling hot, your heart's racing and you’re not self-aware, you will immediately react to them because you’re trying to express these uncomfortable emotions you’re having. And then it escalates to become a situation where nobody is calm.

When you’re in tune with your body, you’re able to say, “OK, this is just a physical reaction, I know how to deal with this.” You can use techniques like breathing exercises to calm yourself down or you can say, “I’m having a real reaction to what you’re saying right now. I know if I continue I’m going to escalate the argument, so I’m going to put a pin in it and take 5.” Then go for a walk, process what you’re feeling and gain clarity before you come back and respond.

And what if ultimately, we can’t make it a positive connection?

If you’re thinking, “I've tried multiple times. I've done all these tips and it's never a good outcome,” then you have to decide, “What’s my boundary around this?” Maybe that’s when you have to say, “I love you,” or “I care about you, but for my own wellbeing I can’t have these conversations.”

About Clearhead

Clearhead is an online platform improving access to high-quality mental health professionals and self-help tools. They provide support for workplaces and individuals through their Employee Assistance Programme (EAP), offering choice, convenience and control directly to users. Visit their website to find out more.

Books to help upgrade your conversation skills

‘Dare to Lead’ by Brené Brown

• In this classic from the beloved academic and TED talker Brené Brown, you’ll find practical guidance on how to embrace vulnerability, build trust, navigate difficult conversations, and foster a culture of empathy, resilience, and accountability in your workplace or world.

‘Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most’ by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen

• This book has been described as the definitive work on handling unpleasant exchanges, based on 15 years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project. It provides a step-by-step approach to having those tough conversations with less stress and more success.

‘The Let Them Theory’ by Mel Robbins

• While not strictly about conversations, this new bestseller from motivational guru Mel provides some great advice for rethinking how we handle interpersonal relationships and gives step by step advice on how to stop letting other people's opinions, drama, and judgment impact your life.

For more information and advice on how to improve your physical and mental health, register for the Āki Wellbeing Hub. All MAS Members and their families receive free access.